Some New State Mottos

How Drunk Do You Have To Be To Get The Joke

The fifth graders of Meadow Lake Elementary School were forced to learn an insidious song I still remember entitled “The Fifty Nifty United States.”  We sang the song for our parents at one of the many assemblies called by the school to prove to our parents that their children were learning something other than English, History, Math, Science and how to be general pain in the ass.

Looking back, I think my schoolmates and I got off lucky.  We didn’t have to memorize things like state mottos or when each state was admitted to the union.  We did, however, have to learn Michigan’s motto – if you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.  Boring if you ask me, it lacks any sort of fun.  I assume most state mottos are the way.

Here are some alternate state mottos that seem to catch the gist of fun.

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi -&- Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! -&- We Also Take American Money

Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everything

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good -or- Potatoes and Neo Nazi’s… What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States -&- Where Science Don’t Mean Squat

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: “10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes”

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die -&- Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot? -&- Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Sacred