Better Living Through Chemistry
The Street Hustle
The fire alarm went off at 3:30am. I crawled out of bed, my eyes slits, found my glasses, jeans, shoes and shirt. I still managed to trip over the corner of the coffee table as I made my way to my desk to grab my MacBook and keys. Why is it building fires always seem to come between 3 and 6 in the morning? It must be Walter Winchell, Patron Saint of the Sensationalist Media, getting his weird minions something with casualties to put on the Internet and 7am news.
The Security Guard caught me as I was walking out the fire entrance at the far end of the carport. “Go back to bed. There’s no fire. Those stoner kids on the fourth floor pulled the alarm,” he told me.
The Phoenix PD had been called to investigate the strong stench of marijuana coming from their apartment three times weekly for the past three months. After two weeks worth of warnings, the cops had deemed these burn outs as morons and had started sending the summonses for disturbing the piece by snail mail. The four stoners had received 6 tickets at $500 a pop in the past two weeks alone. If I were a more conspiracy minded individual, I’d believe the ‘G’ put these idiots in the building to single handedly make sure drugs were never legalized in the state of Arizona.
Although the security guard for the complex was sure these guys were the culprits behind the first fire alarm incident, he had no proof. Thus, the police were powerless to do anything to the offenders. Per procedure, the police left an officer behind for a couple of hours just to make sure no smoke or flames had been missed by the fire department during the hemp-produced chaos. Shortly after 4:30am, two of the stoner’s in question came downstairs and walked right over to the fire alarm, giggling and pulled the alarm. They ran several steps before stopping to laugh. Their bout of hysteria made it easier for the Phoenix Police to arrest the boys. No cop likes a runner.
This time there will be no $500 tickets or warnings. The boys won’t even be allowed to do their time in pink pajamas out in Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s Tent City. No, this was an act of graduation that led straight up to the Maricopa County Jail in West Phoenix where daily advances from a short Mexican drug cartel hitman with eyelid tattoo’s should take up their time before arraignment.
So much for better living through chemistry.
Ads
Denizens of the Zola System
- A Visual Identity
- Ashley Morris
- Clip It Baby
- CNN
- Dennis Machinegun Thompson
- Detroit Free Press
- Detroit News
- e3 Your LIfe
- Fox News
- Henry Mena
- Hollywood Gem
- Jewish World Review
- Jimmy Fallon
- Mick Farren
- New York Daily News
- New York Post
- New York Times
- Open Salon
- Sacred Fools Theatre
- Scoop Momma
- Skip Williamson
- SPIN Magazine
- The Blacklisted Journalist
- The Choke
- The Financially Troubled Arizona Republic
- The Los Angeles Times
- The Nearly Famous Barry Young Show
- The Purple Gang
- The Wall Street Journal
- The Washington Post
- The Washington Times
Categories
- Alpha Female/Beta Male
- Assholes Anonymous
- Character Sundays
- Detroit Stories
- G-d's Guide To Home Appliance Repair and Sports Betting
- How Drunk Do You Have To Be To Get The Joke?
- Jimmy Fallon
- Overheard in a Los Angeles Bar
- Overheard in a New York Bar
- Overheard on the Subway
- Post Urban Culture
- Quotes from How To Fix a Horserace
- Rachel Kramer Bussel
- Skip Williamson
- Sleaze Culture
- The Best of the Zola System
- The Con
- The Core Belief
- The First Essential Scary Truth
- The Magic Bullet Theory
- The Martini Chronicles
- The Second Essential Scary Truth
- The Street Hustle
- The Summer Of 1992
- The Zola System In Action
- The Zola System On The Road
- Uncategorized
- What's in Your Fridge?
Archives
- February 2017
- May 2016
- May 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- March 2014
- January 2014
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008