Matt Millen, I Challenge You To A Duel

The First Essential Scary Truth

(The following is an article that was passively-aggressively rejected by the Detroit Free Press.)

I am not a conspiracy freak. Admittedly there is evidence to the contrary; I am the co-writer of an Off Broadway play The Magic Bullet Theory currently being staged in Los Angeles that tackles the assassination of JFK from a rather blackly humorous point of view, I don’t buy the actual premise of these theories. How three massive organizations with gargantuan bureaucracies could keep any secret for any period of time is beyond me. (For the record, I don’t believe Oswald acted alone either.)

Perhaps it’s because I have enough Irish blood in me to occasionally think I could be a cop. If it looks like the butler did it with the rope in Conservatory, I think law enforcement should go find the butler, not Col. Mustard (ret.). The odds of a grand campaign beginning and ending with dark powers conspiring to snuff out the lights and take hundreds of lives in the process, not mention KEEPING THE SECRET from the rest of us, well, let’s just say I think folks like Oliver Stone and Jim Marrs need Thorazine – regularly.

However, after watching the latest Michigan debacle against the hated Buckeyes of Ohio State, ABC Sports and ESPN have partnered to change my mind. How? By scheduling the ever blowhard Matt Millen to call two of the most important games of the year 2010 for the denizens and expats of the state of Michigan.

So, here’s the question that needs to be answered: why would George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN, Inc and ABC Sports assign Millen, the one man so thoroughly despised in the state of Michigan he wins the least popular individual in history contest over King George, Hitler, Stalin and Osama, to call any Detroit Lions, University of Michigan or Michigan State football games? The Peter Principle? The Zola Edict on Corporations: In any corporation, there is one person and one person only who knows what’s going on. For the corporate entity to succeed, that individual must be found and fired? Sheer stupidity? Or is it something darker, something more sinister, a conspiracy against past current and soon to be Michiganders?

At first, I thought it was simply a brilliant example of the Peter Principle at work. I also labored under the delusion Bodenheimer went to Michigan or had ties to Detroit/Michigan and he was trying to help this horribly depressed area as best he could. No such luck. He went to Dennison University in Granville, Ohio. However, upon further inspection of this Dennison University, I found an alumnus known to all Michigan folk: Woody Hayes.

It was a moment of epiphany worthy of Saul of Tarsus! Could it be Woody was attempting to further wreck the beatified state of Michigan, already reeling from the depression and 30 years of neglect from residents and Washington alike, from beyond the grave? Do Bodenheimer and Millen secretly worship at the altar of the greatest Michigan hater – University of and State of – of all time? Whatever, the case, I refuse to take the opiate of conspiracy offered by those two men who form the latest Axis of Evil to be defeated.

Thus, I have a two pronged plan to defeat ESPN/ABC Sports Furher Bodenheimer and his henchman Mussolini Matt Millen. First, we turn Michigan Alumnus Mike Wallace loose on George Bodenheimer. Let Wallace, a true Maize and Blue hater of everything Scarlet and Gray, go old school 60 Minutes on the Furher’s devious plans. A few moments of Furher Bodenheimer trying to avoid the cameras seeking truth and justice for the Great Lake State will look great as it goes viral on YouTube.

Millen’s comeuppance is slightly trickier because there are those who will buy his claim of plausible deniability. Mussolini Matt Millen will argue that, as both President of the Lions and ESPN/ABC Sports commentator, he was/is just following orders. Unfortunately, there will be no Frankenmuth Trial for Crimes Against The Sports Fans of Michigan. Therefore I will take matters into my own hands. Mussolini Matt Millen, you cur, I hereby challenge you to a duel. Grease Guns (with the grease taken from some of Detroit’s finest creations from the lines of GM, Ford and Chrysler) at dawn. In keeping with the traditions of code duello, my second will call.

Unfortunately, it’s probably just the Peter Principle in action. Ah well, it’s fun to dream.