Tiki Barber and Agent Penis – From CelebrityNameDroppers.Com

The First Essential Scary Truth

Below is a blog from my brother Scot and his partner Matt’s new blog celebritynamedroppers.com.  I personally found this to be hilarious as I’ve had a few encounters with the notorious cheap Mr. Barber myself.

Enjoy!

I was the head bartender at the PACC – the largest (now defunct) New York City sports bar from 2000-2002. My job was to run the bar for the Hedge Fund Managers, VP’s of Met Life, New York Life and First Boston/Deutsche Bank during the day and get the joint ready for the game crowds at night. With no less than 50 TV’s going at any given moment, any game anywhere could be found by the management for the watching pleasure of any fan. Although my set up wasn’t very detailed as bar set up goes, I had to cut a shitload of lemons and limes, usually while getting the early Happy Hour crowd one sheet to the wind.

The owners billed the place as “the place for hometown heroes” and on any given night, Yankees, Mets, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Jets and Giants could be found drinking and eating with their families and posses inside the TV driven white noise. The true athlete regulars were Giant Defensive End Michael Strahan, New Jersey Net Center Jayson Williams and New York Giant Running Back Tiki Barber. Strahan and Williams were friendly (and generous with their time and gratuities) with the staff, the frat boys, the drunks, the bar stool philosophers and the Red Sox fans. They came off as regular guys who found a way to make a few bucks off their athletic gifts.

Tiki Barber, however, was the definition of a schmuck. He would come in with his agent, best defined by the phrase bald headed prick. (Not only because of his personality but his shaved head made him look like a walking penis.) They would make a beeline for the Managers office where they would make phone calls, order food and soda’s (Rumor had it Tiki liked to drink wine but found our wine list which included Jordan Cab’s and Grgich Hills Chardonnay’s to be far too pedestrian for his taste) and would make sure to tip a buck or two on every $25 check.

Just before the Giants were to take on the Baltimore Ravens in the 2001 Super Bowl, ESPN decided to do a Human Interest piece on the Tiki Barber and his twin brother Ronde, a Defensive Back with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ESPN wanted to film the brothers walking into the PACC during a busy Friday Happy Hour. Agent Bald Headed Prick thought it would be great idea to have me welcome the brothers into the place by saying “Hi Tiki, glad to see you again.”

I was against the idea. Not only did I have to help set the place up for the weekend college basketball and the evening shift, I was anticipating making another $100 or so in tips which my becoming a non-union extra in a TV shoot would nullify. I told this to the manager on duty I had to pay my rent and wanted no part of an ESPN appearance. “TIki will make it worth your time,” agent Penis said. Barber, who was right behind nodded and smiled. I still didn’t want to do it. I had no trust in Barber or his Agent doing anything for me at all. The owner walked over and asked if I would please do him the favor. With Tiki, Agent Penis and two ESPN producers looking on, I agreed. How could I turn down a request from my boss?
ESPN did three takes over the course of an hour. My shift was over right after the filming ended and Agent Penis shook my hand and mumbled a thank you. Tiki Barber was nowhere to be found. However, after he and the Giants lost Super Bowl XXXV, in which he gained a whopping 49 yards on 11 carries, he graced my bar with his presence 3 separate times, never mentioning his ESPN special and leaving me a grand total of $0 in tips on three checks which he demanded be put on his corporate account.

I figured I lost about $125 in tips that Friday.

Agent Penis lost on Cash Cab in three straight questions a couple of years back. Barber was his “mobile shout out” and neither knew which Steinbeck novel chronicled the travels of Tom Joad. Glad to see that University of Virginia education was paying off for the man.