Random Thoughts and Advice For Roger and Paris

The Con

The week has begun with not one but two celebrity criminal mishaps: Roger Clemens was arraigned in federal court and pleaded not guilty to Perjury. Paris Hilton denied the cocaine found in her purse during a routine traffic stop in Las Vegas late Friday night was actually hers. Because I am feeling all generous when it comes to giving advice, I’d like to see if some words of wisdom can help my celebrity brother and sister.

Roger, change the fucking plea to guilty. The feds have more than enough evidence to convict INCLUDING a syringe with a steroid and your DNA from the man who injected you. Do not muck with the G, my friend. They take that to heart and tend to fuck those who do muck with them right up the ass with no KY. For examples, see Capone, Alphonse. If you choose to continue down this path, beware accountants working for acronyms.

Paris. You’re claiming the coke wasn’t yours but a friends who actually owned the purse and lent it to you for the evening. Apparently you told this to the cops after they found the drugs and after they arrested you. Sweetie, the excuse is weak. It doesn’t work on Law and Order and it won’t work in real life. Do you remember when you were read the Miranda rights, the thing the cops read to you while handcuffing you? It started with this sentence: you have to right to remain silent. Next time, follow those words to the letter and might not have to go to rehab to avoid jail…again.

More missives tomorrow gang!