It’s Not A Sport, It’s Running

The Con

It’s that time, that time that happens every four years, that time that sends the world into a tizzy and is roundly ignored in the Untied States.

Yes, it’s time for the World Cup.

This year, the tournament that leads to the holy grail of “football” (soccer) is being played in South Africa. Millions will gather in bars and at homes all over the world to watch their teams of 10 run up and down a pitch (field) 120 yards long and 80 yards wide chasing a ball they will attempt to kick into a ‘goal’ 8 yards wide and 8 feet tall defended by one man.

In every other country other than the Unites States, this game is a kind of poetry in motion. The kind of poetry where drunken slobs spew racist, anti-Semitic chants in order to “support” their team in the chase for the trophy to prove they are the best “football” team in the world.

Personally, I agree with former Detroit Tigers catcher Birdie Tebbetts – Soccer isn’t a sport it’s running – done by men with very bad mullets. However, if one teams drunk “supporters” don’t get to beat up on the other teams drunk “supporters” because of a bad referees call or a particularly abusive chant is banned (a chant that probably claims Country A kills more Jews than Country B thus offending the Jew Killing sensibilities of Country B. This is an Old World sport after all.) the “football match” achieves geopolitical ramifications.

Yes, countries have actually gone to war over the outcome (or lack thereof) of soccer matches. I’d like to say this sport and its “issues” are solely reserved for Honduras, El Salvador, Europe and the rest of the Old World and its punters and leaders who like to place wagers on their teams, while threatening the winner if they end up on the losing end of the bet. However, President Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron wagered on the outcome of the first round US v. England match: loser buys the winner either a British Lager or an American Beer.

If somehow our team, a bunch of guys who took up this European abomination because they couldn’t hit the curveball, pull out a victory against the Brits, generally considered one of the top teams in the racist, anti-Semitic “football” loving Old World, what will happen? Will the Brits attack us? When we lose, will we take over the Falklands? I mean we kicked the shit out of the Brits twice. With the two wars going on now, do our troops really need the exercise?

How about the Brits and French going at it after one loses to another? Maybe what the world needs is another 100 Years War.

To the American parent with children wanting to play a sport I offer these three words: Little League Baseball.