Public Floggings

The Street Hustle

When I take power, one day I will take power, I intend to bring back an ancient punishment for various annoying crimes: flogging. In the modern world, Singapore is the one of the few civilized countries to still flagellate those who commit criminal offenses i.e. Michael Fay.

There are those civil libertarians who believe flogging to be barbaric – a throwback to the Dark Ages. However, as the leader of the coups, which was promulgated on getting rid of those who are too annoying and/or stupid to live among the rest of us in civil society, I beg to differ.

So here are the various crimes that can have one publically flogged at 1pm on Thursday in the middle of Central Park’s Great Lawn:

1. Not sharing your booze or drugs with those closest to you.

2. Honking your horn underneath an open bedroom window at 4:35am

3. Anyone who hasn’t seen Casablanca

4. The member of the ISS (International Sock Syndicate) who steals one sock and one sock only out of my dryer every load.

5. Parents who allow their children to run around like maniacs in fancy restaurants, seemingly unaware of the chaos their little darlings are causing.

6. All fair weather sports fans.

7. Every Ohio State fan anywhere.

8. Teenagers. General principles.

9. Coleman Young, L. Brooks Patterson, Kwame Kilpatrick and the heads of the Big Three for the last 50 years excluding Lee Iacocca.

10. The stupid SOB who invented the sinus and the sinus problem.

Yes, there was no hot water this morning…