It Must Be Monday

Post Urban Culture

The task I least look forward to every morning, aside from actually getting out of bed, is cleaning out the spam from my e-mail box. No, I didn’t take whatever drug some shyster at hack feels may have hurt one spleen or a million and my bathroom doesn’t need fixing. I keep resetting my spam filter but more than a few of these damn things keep slipping through. What these e-mails really do is keep me from reading the personal messages, retail sales offers, headlines and other e-mails of interest.

This morning, however, an e-mail from caught my eye. Actually, the subject line may as well have been in bright red neon.


Don’t these morons know we’re at war? Jesus H. Christ. Why doesn’t just write the next al-Qaeda/Hamas/Hezbollah/Iranian training manual? I opened the e-mail ready for my righteous indignation to grow to King Kong like proportions. I was relieved to find this wasn’t a blueprint for the next BVDeviant’s attempt to smuggle C4 onto a Delta flight into Detroit Metro Airport.  The body of the e-mail was much worse: it was a press release.

Throughout time, humankind has demanded that all of life’s treasures be delivered straight to its doors. And thus, some of our greatest inventions were born. The wheel. The Pony Express. The modern miracle that is pizza delivery.

And now, your Dopp kit delivered straight to…wherever you’re about to be.

Your couriers: Suite Arrival, a new service that lets you order your shampoo/soap/exotic oil of preference to be sent directly to your chosen hotel, online now.

In short, it’s like having an online assistant to pack and ship your grooming supplies. So instead of sacrificing your soap at the security line—or chancing it that your hotel has the organic bamboo-aloe-whale-fat shampoo that keeps your follicles looking so luscious and Redfordian—they’ll ship it to your hotel, where it will be sitting, waiting for you in your suite when you arrive. (As of press time, they are not transporting personal bathers.)

All you need to give them is three days’ notice and an earnest desire to stay clean. At the moment, they have a growing roster of time-tested standbys (like Right Guard) alongside newfangled rare herbal-tea-scented moisturizers for your daintier travel partner (at least, that’s who you can say it’s for).

Speaking of, we thought you should be aware that they also carry other essentials—like Band-Aids, Pepto and condoms.

Not necessarily in that order.

I do love to waste my time on blatant false advertising. It must be Monday.

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