On The Subject Of Hooking Up

The Zola System In Action


I was interviewed by Susan Crain Bakos on Spetember 1, 2008 about the concept of the hook up.  The interview appears on her blog SexyPrime.  Susan has generously allowed me to republish the whole post in full.


Hooking Up–Or, Don’t Have Drunken Sex With Strangers

I read about a new book, Guyland:  The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men.  The author Michael Kimmel tells interviewers that young men (under 30) aren’t getting into “healthy relationships” with women because they are stuck in Guyland, a beer, video and porn culture.  (I’ve ordered the book and will read it and do a Q and A with the author soon.)

Meanwhile, here is a quote from Kimmel’s “Today Show” appearance:  “Hooking Up has replaced dating.  Few, if any, hook ups take place sober.  While wearing ‘beer goggles’ can help make people feel more attractive, it doesn’t exactly make for sexual ecstasy.  There’s always been a difference between pleasure and scoring.”

We know how that drunken stranger mating game works for our side.  Girls don’t get dinner and they usually don’t come either.  Now a man is telling us it isn’t good for men?

I called my pal Alex Zola.  His blog The Zola System takes on issues of masculine identity.  AND he is deep into extensive research about “Post Urban Culture,” the term he coined to describe the new lifestyle in the suburbs and exurbs–the place where the denizens of urban Guyland migrate when they finally grow up and “settle down.”

“A new book claims that hook ups aren’t great for guys,” I said.  “So what’s up with that?”

“Hook ups are about disposability,” he replied.  “I’m not sure it benefits men to see women as disposable.  Sure, hook ups will happen now and then.  We’re all adults; and we can deal with that.  But the hook up culture isn’t good for anyone.  It means he’s disposable too, doesn’t it? 

“As a bartender in the city, I see it every night I work.  Young people don’t exchange business cards with contact information.  Guys don’t ask if they can call a girl and make a date.  He hits on her or she hits on him and they leave together–or nothing.

“Other than hook-ups, I see the match.com couple meeting one another for the first time; and we all know how nerve wracking that can be from both sides of the bar.”

Not a lot of dating happening in New York City?  (Haven’t I told you that New York is not a sexy city?)

“No, especially not among the under thirty set.”

Babes, you know I am no old-fashioned Mama, but this lack of dating bothers me.  I came of age during the last Sexual Revolution.  Men got sex without commitment.  Women had to start another movement to get cunnilingus and orgasms. 

However the sexual behavior standards evolve with the times, the bottom line in the new order always seems to be:  He comes while investing less; she probably doesn’t come.

Are you getting what you want and need from hook-ups?  Tell me about it.  I want to know. 

Have you ever had an odd hook up experience?  Let me know!


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