Doctors Are Ass Men in the Valley of the Sun

The Con

My first few weeks in Scottsdale included a trip to Fashion Square in Old Town. I needed a new pair of jeans and looking forward to seeing an American Mall circa 2009. I hadn’t been in suburban retail cathedral in nearly 20 years. Food Courts, Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, Lens Crafters, Sears, JC Penny’s, in a singular sprawling building surrounded by parking lots guaranteed to confuse. Dragging my notebooks, pens, grabbing coffee and watching the people scurry to buy the latest trends they saw on CNN and FOX. The whole trip promised to be very exciting.

“Just wait until the women you’re leering at turn around,” a server named Jim said. “You’ll think they were 30 but they’ll be 55.”

This isn’t the Upper East Side or Beverly Hills; this is suburban Scottsdale, Arizona. I thought. How bad can it be? In my mind, Jim had to be generalizing after a particularly odd trip to one of the various strip/shopping malls that are on every corner in this burg. Turns out, he was right. Within 20 minutes, I had ogled ten sets of two women I was convinced were 32 or younger. When they turned around, they looked like the leading candidates for the Elder Cougar of the Month Club.

This shouldn’t be a shock. 56% of women in the US approve of Plastic Surgery with 47% of the women polled in the 35-50 age group having had some sort of cosmetic surgery.

Breast augmentation was the cosmetic procedure I expected to see in this Upper Middle Class enclave. (Not counting Botox, which is comparable to masturbation: a cheap fix for the real thing.) However, breast enlargement has seen a decrease in the Valley in the last calendar year. With all these women having perfect rear ends it appears liposuction is the procedure of choice in the Phoenix Metropolitan area.

Four days ago, I once again admired the ass of a woman in green tartan slacks. I wondered if she was a lipo patient or whether I was leering at the natural feminine form. Once again, Jim was right.

However, I wonder with the lack of fake breasts and Botox treatments seemingly at a minimum I do wonder about all the liposuction. Can it be all of the plastic surgeons in the Valley of the Sun are ass men?