Pigeon Metaphor and the 2nd Amendment

The Second Essential Scary Truth

The 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution is alive and well in the state of Arizona. The laws for owning firearms are quite liberal in the Grand Canyon State. As long as you are over the age of 18 and not a “prohibited possessor,”(a person convicted of a violent felony, a convicted felon who hasn’t had their right restored or a person who is currently incarcerated) a citizen of the state of Arizona can legally buy a rifle, shotgun or handgun without a permit. No background check, no government interference. The only time an Arizonan needs a permit for a weapon is if that individual decides/feels the need/wants to carry a concealed weapon.

The Department of Public Safety shall issue a permit to carry a concealed weapon to a resident of the state at least 21 years old, a U.S. citizen, who satisfactorily completes an approved firearms safety program, submits fingerprints and a fee determined by the Department of Public Safety, and who does not fall into a class of person prohibited to possess a firearm, such as a convicted felon, adjudicated mental incompetent, or illegal alien.

The qualification checks shall be completed within 60 days of receipt of the application and the permit will be issued within 15 working days after completing the checks.

The permit is valid for not more than four years and is renewable every four years.

There are loopholes to this section of the law.

No person shall carry a firearm “concealed on his person.” This does not apply to a person in his dwelling, business premises or on real property owned or leased by that person. A handgun carried in a belt holster which is wholly or partially visible or carried in luggage is not considered carrying concealed.

Translation: be nice and polite to your neighbor, especially on the highways. Do not lay on the horn, always compliment someone’s fashion choices and above all watch your back.

These are tough concepts to get through the thick skull of New Yorkers. We move fast, bitch about anyone in our way and let everyone know about our gripes. To paraphrase Murray Jay Siskind from Don DeLillo’s 1985 novel White Noise: the art of getting ahead in New York is expressing dissatisfaction in a an entertaining way. However, this street rap doesn’t play among the cacti, stones and sand that make up the Sonoran desert.

Yesterday, as I walked through a covered parking garage to get into Fashion Square Mall in lovely suburban Scottsdale, Arizona, a blonde woman in a brand new two seat Mercedes pulled right up to my shins. Shock and muscle memory kept me upright. There was a parking space not 20 feet from the entrance and I had gotten in her way. She glared at me as another car pulled into the spot.

“Jesus lady, where did you learn to drive? K-Mart Blue Light Special,” I said. I walked around the driver side shaking my head. She pulled at .9mm Glock out of her purse.

“You should like be careful like what you like say,” she told me. Her purse must qualify as luggage. I walked into the mall feeling like I was mugged by a 40 something version of Tracy Nelson’s character in Square Pegs.

Quick note to the Arizona Legislature currently sitting in downtown Phoenix: you have a law on the books, which prohibits illegal aliens from owning firearms. Shouldn’t there be an English proficiency exam as well?

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