Miguel Cabrera – Asshole of the Month

Assholes Anonymous


Your name is Miguel Cabrera.  You are a 26 year old baseball player, a first baseman.  Your extraordinary talent with a bat has earned you an 8 year $152 million contract.  Your team is in the midst of a pennant race.  If you win one more game, you will clinch the first division win for your team and city in 22 years.   


On Friday night, right before that all important game with the Chicago White Sox Cabrera got drunk, hammered, BLASTED with members of the Pale Hose at a hotel bar in swanky Birmingham, Michigan.  After the bar staff drove him home, Miguel got into a fight with his wife who called 911 at 6am.  The BPD took him to the police station where Detroit Tiger President and GM Dave Dombrowski came to collect his superstar player at 8am.


That tableau alone would be enough for anyone to be named an asshole by the media, friends, layman etc.  However, this is not the reason Cabrera is the winner of the first, soon to be coveted by every asshole, Zola System Asshole of the Month award.  His on field performance, or lack thereof, is the reason Cabrera deserves this monumental honor.


Cabrera went 0-4 and stranded six runners on base in Saturday’s 5-1 loss.  Rumors abound that he was still drunk or at least buzzed when he took the field.  The local papers point to his .26 blood alcohol level (three times the legal limit in the state of Michigan) and lack of accountability/maturity as the reasons for their disappointment. 


Miguel, we’re paying you $21 million a year for this?  A quick idea for a Detroit superstar athlete who likes to have a few: call up the Detroit Lions PR department and ask for all the reading material you can get on Bobby Layne.  Layne was the Hall of Fame Lions QB who when not winning championships with the Lions in the mid 1950’s was drinking at the Lindell AC or the Golden Lion.  Drinking with Layne the night before a game was mandatory.  Bobby was hangover during the game but he won.


So Miguel, you are my first Asshole of the Month for not being able to win the big one while hung-over.  However, if you play drunk next year and bring home the World Series title for us the next round will be on me.

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