I Am An Asshole

Assholes Anonymous

Allow me to re-introduce myself:

My name is Alex and I’m an asshole. I am so obsessively self-interested that I end up being self-defeating because I eventually alienate everyone around me.

I’ll beg for your help on a project, get you to work for me and then won’t deliver the final piece so all your work is in vain. Your reputation will be damaged and no money will be made. My apology is a plea for understanding my “issues” and how the “only person I hurt is myself.”

I have betrayed my friends and lovers and told their secrets and stories for a few laughs to a group of fellow assholes assembled on bar stools around the city. A cheap laugh at the expense of someone I spanked for 2 and ½ hours is still a laugh.

Yes, I clean up well when I take you out for an expensive glass of wine at one of New York’s finer restaurants. Even then, I’m just a douche in a suit.

I am convinced I am better than everyone else.

Is there any help for me at the early middle of age of 40 when my attitudes and poses are supposedly entrenched? I think there is and it comes in the unlikely form of fellow asshole Tucker Max. The idea came to me when I was re-reading his infamous anal sex story last week; a 5-Step group for the assholes of America. (Understanding the asshole mentality, I knew it had to be simplified. We are far too lazy for 12 Steps.) By forming AA, Assholes Anonymous, perhaps I can mature, grow up and become a real human being or, at the very least, a well-adjusted asshole.

The 5-Steps For Assholes Anonymous:

1.We admitted we were powerless over being an asshole—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

3.Admitted to G-d, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

4.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were acting like assholes promptly admitted it.

5.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to assholes, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Over the next few weeks I will be posting one story a week of my greatest asshole moments. If you feel the need to join AA, I hope you will send your stories in as well.