The Irish Waiter And The Christ Killers

The Martini Chronicles

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, 2013, I’m debuting a new category I’m calling the Martini Chronicles.  These short bits are stories I collected in my journals over my 20+ years behind a New York bar.

Of course the names, joints and occasionally times have been changed to protect the utterly guilty.


We found out we were getting a Captain today.

His name is Richard Connell.  Richard is Peter Smith and JoAnne Brennan’s  cousin, the Beverage Manager and a of the Floor Manager (respectively) from the Ocean Cub.  He was a waiter at 49h Street and then they sent him on the road to help open the new restaurants and train the staff.  He finally put down some roots at the Tavern in Chicago.

Having Richard on staff in our elegant, three-star steakhouse is a bit odd as he was suspended in Chicago a few months earlier for customer disrespect issues.

It seems Richard drew the Christmas Eve double and was rather upset at his bad luck as he had tickets to go back to have a proper Irish Christmas with his people back in Dublin.  Thus, Richard had to try and re-arrange his flight schedule but had no luck.  He was going to attempt to fly out via stand by the next day.  As you might guess, Richard Connell showed up at 10 am in a rather surly mood.

By 11am Richard decided the only cure for his surly self was to ‘put his helmet on’ – i.e. get lit during the course of service.  Not that it mattered.  On a holiday it’s rare for any boss to notice and even if they do, almost no consequences are levied against the offender.  After all it’s a fucking holiday, in this case Christmas Eve and having one or two or fifty is the right of the working stiff.  But Connell, he can’t just have a few and stop.  He’s too upset.  He ends up grabbing for the brass ring.

With an hour to go in his shift, Richard gets up on a table in the middle of the dining room and starts screaming “YOU FUCKING JEWS!  YOU FUCKING JEWS KILLED JESUS!  HOW DARE YOU CHRIST KILLERS BE HERE ON OUR HOLIDAY!”  Richard proceeds to strip and wave his cock around, greatly upsetting the Yenta’s from Lincoln Park.

The solution to this issue is to move Mr. Richard Connell back to the city so the Corporate Office can keep their eyes on him.  So now he’s working a sophisticated joint on the Upper East Side of New York: Investment bankers, Captain’s of Industry, movie stars and they’re all Jews.

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