The Stupidity Virus Hits A Local Clerk

Post Urban Culture

After 44 years stomping the Terra, I have recently formed an opinion on stupidity contrary to my former you to be born that way concept; I now believe it’s a virus.  The Stupidity Virus, however, is more like a computer virus than the microscopic life form that is the cause of much prayer to the Porcelain G-d.  This virus works form the top down, not in a horizontal fashion.  It is penetrates the mainframe, say Washington DC, and then filters down through the rest of the populous.

The first examples of this illness in action came from Henry Clay and his War Hawks in the Congress who helped lead us into the War of 1812.  Today’s implantation of the Stupidity Virus can be found in the Congressional Hearings on the Benghazi Attack and the Hagel Confirmation hearings.  No questions were answered, no positions clarified but many speeches were made and important questions left unanswered.  In short, once again our freely elected leaders proved they are moronic bozos looking to be solely on the take, G-d and country be damned.

Last week, while driving back from my friend Natalie’s West Hollywood birthday party, I pulled into a local Korean market at 1am looking for some contact lens solution.  As I got out of my car, a homeless guy standing 4 feet to my right with snow-white hair, a leathery complexion holding a 40oz bottle of some sort of beer demanded something from me, although I’m still not quite sure what he said.  So, I did the usual and walked into the market only to find the clerk far more interested in discussing Jesus than telling me no, they didn’t have the lens cleaner I needed in stock that night.

As I walked out into the parking lot, the same homeless guy staggered towards me, mumbling various threats against ‘the man’ and waving a broken bottle.  I beat a quick retreat into the market and interrupted the clerk as he began another Jesus lecture.  “You have a homeless guy threatening people with a broken bottle out there,” I pointed to the parking lot.

“What are you afraid,” he asked me.  “Do you want me to go out there and beat him up for you?” he said.  I stopped for a minute and pondered my options, stay and faux shop while the clerk begged me to come to Jesus or brave the plainly deranged homeless guy waving that bottle. I decided the clerk was far more dangerous than the homeless guy.  I knew what the deranged guy could do but a stupid, proselytizing grocery clerk with no street smarts is capable of almost any act of pure unadulterated clownage.

I walked out the door with my phone to my ear and screamed out 911 and the homeless guy ran across Beverly Blvd and up Heliotrope.

It only took a few days for the idiocy to filter down from the DC mainframe to the regular Joe on the street.  I wonder if next time, the filter down period will be cut down to a matter of moments.



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