The Rabbinic Version Of Hell

The Second Essential Scary Truth

Hell, Hades, Damnation, where the souls of the believers and non-believers alike go final punishment, for obvious reasons, has never been mapped but there are many different versions of the Netherworld available to the religious consumer demanding education.

Hieronymus Bosch created wonderfully weird paintings that showed Hell to be a sadistic chaotic environment for revenge.

Dante took us on a tour of the Circles of Damnation and showed us some very creative ways to punish the sinner.

Zoroastrians believed in several versions of Hell including annihilation.

Rod Serling believed Hell was a place where gamblers could never lose, ever.

Jews believe Hell is the absence of G-d.  A long-winded way of re-phrasing the Eleatical approach to the afterlife – is and is not.  Or so the Talmud would have us believe.  Last night I had a front row seat for the true Hebraic version of hell.

I spent 5 hours at a Rabbinic Ordination in Beverly Hills.  The first hour was spent eating – we’re talking Jews here, there will always be food not to mention cake even in the ninth circle of Hell where Hitler is constantly changing a bevy of Yenta’s light bulbs.  The last four were spent listening to 15 Rabbi’s speak.  That’s four hours of metaphor after metaphor after metaphor.  And there was no booze to be had in the house.

Note to the Great Magnet: from now on I’ll be good.  Pinky swear.