Assassination Tips From Yalie #1

The Magic Bullet Theory

Recently, various Iranian nuclear scientists have been assassinated by car bombs in the heart of the Tehran, the county’s capitol city.  These assassinations have been exceedingly precise, two guys drive up on a motorcycle, block the door so the target can’t escape, attach a sticky bomb and drive away as the car blows up.

There are those in media who believe this was a Mossad (the Israeli version of the CIA) bottom up operation.  There are those dissenters who believe the CIA and or MI6 must have had a hand in helping the Mossad in the planning and execution of these missions.  Interestingly enough, no one believes the CIA is capable of this sort of operation on it’s own.

Why I wondered?  Does it have to do with the Bay of Pigs?  The long and varied botched operations in Central and South American in the 1970’s?  Missing the entire Soviet Army crossing the Afghan border in 1979?  Failing to get bin Laden in the 1990’s?  Losing the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction prior to the invasion in 2003?

With such a long and baffling list I decided to ask a contact in the intelligence community from my New York days what he thought was going in the Agency these days.  This man, known to me only as Yalie #1 a CIA operator for the elite Special Activities Division (SAD) from 1959-1980, had a different take on why the pundits are correct: the CIA could not have assassinated the Iranian nuclear scientists.

“We don’t’ know how to effectively kill anymore,” he told me recently over Kettle one Gibson’s at a newly renovated Hollywood hotel bar.

You mean we don’t’ use explosives, I asked.

“Explosives are effective but leave too many witnesses.  Tact, breeding and the ability to change methods as your superior deems fit are the most important things when eliminating a target.  The Bolsheviks didn’t blow up Rasputin they used poison.  Up close and personal is the proper way to play the elimination game,” he said.

My friend then offered four different ways current SAD operatives could learn from his generation of CIA operators:

* In general, drugs are an unreliable method of eliminating your target…too many individual chemical variables. Always have a back up plan.

* Always carry an umbrella. You never know when you might have to make it rain-all over a target.

* Not only do scarves help you blend in with civilians, they can come in very handy if I suddenly need to choke a target.

* If your target gets poached by a street thug abort immediately.  If their hit is successful and clean take credit for it anyway…and hit the thug later.

Before I could ask another question, Yalie #1 looked around and announced he had to leave immediately.  He picked up his beige raincoat and black umbrella.  “The umbrella is the key, young man,” he said.  “I got this one in Dallas in November of 1963.  It’s helped me immeasurably over the years.”

He smiled quickly, spoke into his sleeve and disappeared into the excitement of the Hollywood night.

The next day a note taped to my right windshield wiper reminded me that all umbrellas bought in Dallas during November 1963 were just umbrellas.

For more Yalie #1 wisdom on the proper way to kill…um eliminate a target, come to see the Magic Bullet Theory, opening March 23, 2012 at Sacred Fools Theatre.  Word on the street says if you like our Facebook page in the next twenty four hours and come to the show on March 31, Yalie #1 will be happy to share his back ops wisdom with you.

(Hat Tip: Monica Greene)