Meeting A Chess Grandmaster
The Core Belief
In the spring of 1989, Chess Grandmaster Konstantin Lerner was due to play in a tournament at the Penn Hotel in New York. This was major news in the Zola household back in Bloomfield Hills. Not because the Old Man was a certified chess freak and had once played a game against Bobby Fischer (he lost in 2 minutes) but because Lerner was family.
Konstantin Lerner was married to my first cousin Shura, one of my Aunt Raia’s two daughters. Kostya, Shura and their son Andrei/Andrew were also the only members of the immediate family left in Soviet Russia. In the 1970’s, the Old Man helped secure exit visas for his two sisters and their children and they all got out except for Lerner. He had no desire to leave Russia, the Ukraine and Odessa: Kostya was a Lt. Colonel in the Soviet army. His job: playing chess with the troops. As sweet a gig as one could find in a Superpower’s military.
Three days before the tournament, the Old Man left a message with the front desk of Brittany Hall to call him immediately. The pink While You Were Out note said it was an emergency and to call him at his office ASAP. I ran up to the room thinking something had happened to my Mother or one of my brothers. Maybe my Grandfather was ill. Of course there was a chance it was nothing at all. I received messages like this from the Old Man once or twice a week. I’d call back and we’d end up playing phone tag for a few days. Once I got Dad on the phone, I’d find out the dog hadn’t died. He just wanted to say hello.
This time was different; Sherry, his secretary, put me right through to his office. There was no hello Alexander, no pleasantries at all. “Shut up and listen to me. This is very important. Your cousin Kostya is playing chess at some hotel on 7th Avenue this weekend. Find that hotel. Sherry Fed Ex’ed you a check for $300. I want you to buy 7 pairs of jeans and take them to Kostya,” he told me.
“Ok,” I said. “Why seven pairs of jeans?”
“He’ll have some sort of KGB handler and he’ll have to give the guy a pair of jeans so he can keep the other six pairs.”
“Any specific sizes,” I asked.
“The size a normal person will wear. I want Lerner to be able to sell these things on the black market in Russia so he’ll have some money,” the Old Man lectured. “If anyone asks you why you’re there, you tell them you’re a chess fan. If someone asks you for a name, tell them you’re Joe Smith. Anyone who talks to you is a piece of shit Russian or KGB. Any questions?”
Before I could answer he said “Good. Call me when the check gets there tomorrow.” It was fitting there was no good bye as this wasn’t a phone call but a set of precise instructions on how to facilitate a Black Market transaction. And there was no one better at Black Marketeering than Aron Zola.
Three days later, I found myself wandering around the chess tables in a huge second floor ballroom with a blue and white Canal Jeans bag with even pairs of Levi’s 501 jeans, quietly dropping f bombs. In my two conversations with the Old Man, I forgot to ask the most important question: what did Konstantin Lerner look like. In a situation like this I’d usually look for the Jew but this was a chess tournament in New York – it seemed everyone was a Jew. So I closed my eyes and tried to get a mental picture of what Lerner looked like and I came up with a tall elegant man in a long brown overcoat with an AK-47. That seemed a bit out of place so being the proud possessor of a liberal arts education I decided to find a tournament official to point out my cousin.
Lerner was a short, swarthy looking man with intense brown eyes, a slight under bite wearing brown and red checked flannel shirt, thereby pre-dating the Grunge fashion craze by a good two years. I watched Kostya slowly position his pieces over a five minute period against an over matched opponent. When he got up for a smoke break, I followed him into the corridor and introduced myself. With my rudimentary Russian and his three English words, we managed to communicate. When it looked like we were alone, I handed him the bag. “From Aronchick,” I told him.
“Aronchick,” he repeated.
“Da,” I said.
Konstantin thanked me and hurried back into ballroom, stashing the bag underneath the table. I walked to the stairwell feeling pretty good about myself. I properly facilitated a Black Market transaction and met the most accomplished member of the family. All in all not a bad days work – it’s Miller time. Before I could get to the stairwell, some one grabbed my arm.
“Why were you watching only Konstantin Lerner,” a thinly accented Russian voice asked. I turned around and saw a small blonde balding man in a cheap western styled suit. This was Lerner’s KGB escort straight out of central casting.
“I’m a fan,” I said.
“A fan?”
“I play chess on Thompson Street. I’m a fan,” I told him.
He pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. “Your name.”
I put my hand on my cheek and sighed. Where did he think he was, Moldovanka in Odessa? Red Square? I was going to walk away when he grabbed my arm once again. “Your name,” he said, this time sounding officious, bureaucratic and annoyed.
“My name,” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Write this down,” I said. He put pen to paper in his small green notebook. “Robert Allen Zimmerman. That’s with two M’s and one N. I’m from Hibbing Minnesota.”
I expected to hear something like ‘you’ll be shot for this’ or ‘we’ll be watching you Zimmerman’ but he turned and walked back into the tournament. With any luck when he reported to his bosses that Bob Dylan had been watching Konstantin Lerner playing chess he was sent directly to a Siberian gulag for not having the good sense to get an autograph.
Kostya finally left Odessa for Israel with Shura and Andrei (Andrew) in the early 1990’s. On September 25, 2011 Konstantin Lerner passed away after a long illness. He was 61. I find it sad that the death of such a precise, accomplished man received little if any press. But I suppose you have to be Bobby Fischer to have the world notice the death of a Chess Grandmaster.
And I wonder if the KGB guy is still in some gulag. Sheer idiocy deserves a minimum sentence of 25 to Life watching re-runs of Two and a Half Men.
Ads
Denizens of the Zola System
- A Visual Identity
- Ashley Morris
- Clip It Baby
- CNN
- Dennis Machinegun Thompson
- Detroit Free Press
- Detroit News
- e3 Your LIfe
- Fox News
- Henry Mena
- Hollywood Gem
- Jewish World Review
- Jimmy Fallon
- Mick Farren
- New York Daily News
- New York Post
- New York Times
- Open Salon
- Sacred Fools Theatre
- Scoop Momma
- Skip Williamson
- SPIN Magazine
- The Blacklisted Journalist
- The Choke
- The Financially Troubled Arizona Republic
- The Los Angeles Times
- The Nearly Famous Barry Young Show
- The Purple Gang
- The Wall Street Journal
- The Washington Post
- The Washington Times
Categories
- Alpha Female/Beta Male
- Assholes Anonymous
- Character Sundays
- Detroit Stories
- G-d's Guide To Home Appliance Repair and Sports Betting
- How Drunk Do You Have To Be To Get The Joke?
- Jimmy Fallon
- Overheard in a Los Angeles Bar
- Overheard in a New York Bar
- Overheard on the Subway
- Post Urban Culture
- Quotes from How To Fix a Horserace
- Rachel Kramer Bussel
- Skip Williamson
- Sleaze Culture
- The Best of the Zola System
- The Con
- The Core Belief
- The First Essential Scary Truth
- The Magic Bullet Theory
- The Martini Chronicles
- The Second Essential Scary Truth
- The Street Hustle
- The Summer Of 1992
- The Zola System In Action
- The Zola System On The Road
- Uncategorized
- What's in Your Fridge?
Archives
- February 2017
- May 2016
- May 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- March 2014
- January 2014
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008