The Metamorphosis Of The Philadelphia Eagles

The Con

The Wikipedia defines American football as follows:

…a sport played between two teams of eleven with the objective of scoring points by advancing the ball into the opposing team’s end zone. Known in the United States simply as football, it may also be referred to informally as gridiron.[1][2] The ball can be advanced by running with it or throwing it to a teammate. Points can be scored by carrying the ball over the opponent’s goal line, catching a pass thrown over that goal line, kicking the ball through the opponent’s goal posts or tackling an opposing ball carrier in his own end zone.


I prefer to define American football as the sublimation of all our most violent, imperialistic urges into a fascist ground acquisition sport.  To that end, I am something of a traditionalist when it comes to the game: I like a hard pounding running game.  I like my quarterback with a slight southern drawl, an attitude problem when it comes to authority and the make-up of a riverboat gambler when the pocket breaks down and shit goes bad.  My middle linebacker should be an angry sociopath prone to fits of hyper-psychotic activity whenever an opposing player comes within 100 yards.   And the coach should demand total obedience from his players and the will to physically and mentally dominate the opposing team for sixty minutes each and every Saturday/Sunday – Patton crossed with Schembechler brought up on Alexander the Great’s old block.

At the beginning of NFL training camp for the 2011 season, many observers and fans believed the team to beat in 2011 was the Philadelphia Eagles.  The thought was so prevailant, the team’s third string QB Vince Young declared the Eagles a ‘Dream Team’ and coach Andy Reid issued non-denial denials to sports writers, newspapers and ESPN.

Three games into the season, Philly is 1-2 with a battered starting quarterback – Michael Vick – and the team looks as if the wheels will be coming off before the snap of the next game.  I for one am not surprised.  Why you ask?  Vick’s back-up is named Mike Kafka.

There is no way a NFL team whose mission statement is the sublimation of fascism in a sporting warlike setting can win with a whiny existentialist under center who is determined to become an insect instead of a leader of men.

Just saying…




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