A Grumpy Old Bastard Gets A Job

The Street Hustle

 

Frankly, I don’t think this is actually true.  It is, however, a conglomeration of the things I’ve wanted to say to everyone who has ever demanded an interview for a bartender or waiter job in a Guyland joint as an important element of the hiring process.  You know, the same people that feel it’s important to put you through a three interview procedure in order to hire someone who knows how to make a gin and tonic.

 

If true, I have just found my new hero.  If false, and we all know it is, please go to Saturday Night Live and beat Lorne Michaels to death.  That and your post could possibly save American Comedy.

 

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

 

SEX:  Not lately but I’m looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 

DESIRED POSITION: Company President of Vice-President.  But seriously, whatever is available.  If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that’s not possible, make an offer and let’s haggle.

 

EDUCATION: Yes

 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management

 

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHEIVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any

 

PREFFERED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 PM Monday, Tuesday and Thursday

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: Yes but they are better suited to an intimate environment.

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PRHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR: I think the more appropriate question here would be: do you have a car that runs?

 

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks – yes.

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy sexy dumb blonde who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

 

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles.

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.