Candy For Hangovers

The Con

I pose an age-old question to you, dear reader, on this hot Saturday in August: how do you deal with a hangover?  Do you have a cure for the morning pain before the sunglasses go on and you are forced to face the world?  Perhaps you elect to fight the symptoms before the inevitable crash onto the mattress.  Or, if you are fond of impulse purchases as found on the TV commercials and the small packet products on the racks just before the cashier rings up that six-pack of Miller High Life.

Whatever your personal fix for the sweats, headache, and agony (a Big Mac, caffeine and some Advil suffice for one friend), if enterprising individual came up with a sure-fire pill to take the edge off last night, that person would have more cash than Bill Gates in a rather short amount of time.  (I give him/her a month to reach billionaire status.)

According to such a product might just exist.


Delicious in many forms. Handy for bribing the IT guy. A fine name for a dinner companion.

Also: the perfect tonic after a long night of illicit carousing.

We can explain…

Introducing Snap Infusion, a new candy-based remedy for your roughest mornings, available now.

Yes, we’re talking about a hangover-curing candy. Here’s how it’ll go down: you’ll wake up… eventually. The light: it burns. Your head: also burns. You need a few things—like water, large sunglasses… and pants. Any pants at all. Oh, and B vitamins and electrolytes.

You need to get yourself to the nearest greasy spoon for a recovery breakfast. First, collect yourself. Then, look to the only thing that can restore order: a jelly bean. Or maybe some gum. You see, the husband-and-wife team who created this stuff thought it’d be a good idea to make it in a bunch of forms, including gummies, caramels and tarts. (Note: they also envision you using it to climb a mountain.)

By the time your omelet arrives, you should be feeling at least slightly better. And because we know you’re concerned about taste at moments like these: well, they’re stunningly reminiscent of Flintstones vitamins.

In a good way.

So the perfect hangover cure is one that will add to the obesity epidemic?  Back the hot coffee, Advil and hot water head soaks for me.  Either that or follow the late Dean Martin’s sure fire cure for a hangover: stay drunk.


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