Some Advice To Roger Clemens On The Eve Of His Perjury Trial

The Second Essential Scary Truth

I’ve never liked Roger Clemens.  Actually, since he broke into the Bigs back in 1984, I’ve found reason to actively despise the man.  He broke in with the Red Sox.  He always seemed to kick the shit out of the Tigers with many double-digit strikeout performances including one 20 k outing in 1996.  When He was with the Yankees he threw a fractured bat at Mike Piazza during the Subway Series in 2000.  Then he pulled the passive/aggressive I’ll play only half a season if you pay me enough card out from 2004 until his final ‘real’ retirement in 2007.  (This same ploy was later used effectively by Brett Favre to pry copious amounts of cash out of the Minnesota Vikings for a few years at the turn of the decade.)

All in all, Clemens has been as classless, arrogant and unpleasant a baseball player as any one since Rogers Hornsby.  It seemed so unfair that the Great Magnet had placed all of that lighting bolt talent in the arm of such an undeserving schmuck.  But pride comes before the fall and Clemens fell hard as Jose Canseco accused ‘the Rocket’ of using steroids in his book Juiced.    But Canseco was as much of a schmuck as Roger Clemens so he denied the allegations and people believed him.  However, when former Yankee pitcher Jason Grimsley and former Yankee trainer Brian McNamee both claimed Roger was a juicer people paid attention.

Then came the Mitchell Report on steroid and performance enhancing drug usage in baseball.  Clemens was named 82 times as an abuser of these pharmaceuticals.  This report prompted a Congressional Investigation.  On February 13, 2008, the House of Representatives called upon Roger Clemens to testify on his steroid usage while an active baseball player.  He raised his hand and said no, he never used steroids.  The House had McNamee testify he did juice and then cited 7 other inconsistencies in his testimony.  Thus the Representatives of the Committee on Oversight and Government reform recommended Clemens be brought up on perjury charges.  The Department of Justice agreed and jury selection began today.

Although I dislike Clemens intently, I do admire his style for lying to our elected representatives who then lie to us.  So, I’d like to offer him some advice as his trial begins.

First do not take the stand.  Your mouth has gotten you into this mess and trying to explain away this tawdry affair will only dig you in deep with a jury that probably loathes you already.  You were a Yankee and a Red Sox, the two most hated baseball teams in the Country.  Plus you cheated while playing baseball.  Yes, you aren’t OJ or Casey Anthony.  You are a liar and a cheat, not a (accused) murderer.  But plenty of people daydream about killing their significant other or kids while pissed off.  Thus they have a degree of subconscious empathy for scum like the Juice and Anthony.  They couldn’t hit curveball and they desperately wanted to be Willie Mays, or Mickey Mantle or Al Kaline or Sandy Koufax or (G-d forbid) you.  They may blame their ‘bad’ little league coach for losing interest in the game as a child but you’re going to take the brunt of the anger from Jurors numbers 1-8 because they could have been a contender if it wasn’t for that prick.  Any doubts to points one or two see the original The Longest Yard and the 1965 Jack Lemmon classic How To Murder Your Wife.

Second: if your ego does compel you to testify in your own defense, please remember the Fifth Amendment to our Constitution:

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Read this very carefully.  Know it learn it love it live it.  It is your friend.

Third: in a pinch remember the first two sections of the Miranda Warning recited by every cop to every criminal since 1966.  You heard it when the FBI put the cuffs on you or onLaw and Order on TNT.  They went something like this:

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law.

Allow me to translate it for you: if you open your mouth the prosecutor will use what comes out of it to throw your ass in Supermax Florence so shut the fuck up.

Failing to remember these three pieces of advice will force me, your fans and detractors to assume what should be so obvious: you are a ‘roided out moron with delusions of grandeur because you could once throw a ball 97 miles per hour.

Thus, we will have to bid you adieu and offer you one last piece of advice: prison has this thing called Segregation or Administrative Detention.  It will save you from the soap and shower action.