A Guide For Canadians On How To Stage A Proper Riot

The First Essential Scary Truth

June 15, 2011 Vancouver, British Colombia, Canada – The seventh best team in the NHL, the Boston Bruins, beat the best team in hockey – the Vancouver Canucks.  The combination of a great Bruins goalie, Tim Thomas, and the series long meltdown of Vancouver’s goaltender Roberto Luongo allowed the Bruins to hoist the Stanley Cup for the first time since 1972.

After the Game 7 ended, Canuck fans took to the street a staged a four-hour long riot.  They overturned cars, set garbage cans on fire and rioted because according to one participant, “What else are you going to do when you lose the Stanley Cup?  You riot.”

Canadians may not be great tippers and they certainly have a rather odd fondness for soccer played on ice. However, as a group they remain the nicest people on the planet.  Thus, as a fellow member of the North American continent, I feel a short primer on how to properly riot is in order.

Number One:

Riots must appear to be spontaneous uprisings against ‘The Man.’  (See Detroit, 1967.  Newark 1967.  Watts 1965.  Tompkins Square Park 1988.)  Bringing signs urging people to riot before the event or pre-made incendiary devices is Potsie uncool.

Number Two:

When burning cars, they should be police cars.  (See Detroit 1984.)  This also helps with number one.

Number Three:

Remember to goad the police into acts of retaliation. This allows those caught rioting to plead self-defense. (Tompkins Square Riots 1988.)

Number Four:

Each riot needs a separate rationale.  The Watts Riots of 1965 were caused by a DUI traffic stop and the LA Riots of 1992 were caused by the acquittal of the police officers that beat Rodney King in 1991.  The cause of the 1994 Vancouver riots was the Canucks losing the Cup to the New York Rangers in seven games.  Guys, you need new material.

Number Five:

Riots must last a minimum of 24 hours.  (See Detroit 1967, Tompkins Square 1988, LA Riots 1992,)  Four hours just won’t cut it.  You need to do better.

Number Six:

The best riots have property damage and death. (Crown Heights, 1991.)  150 people taken to the hospital?  Work on it.

Finally, Number Seven:

When rioting, the ultimate outcome is to make your city look like modern day Detroit.  Third World Country references are nice but you need to win at something.  Without the comparison to Detroit, it’s just like losing the Stanley Cup all over again.

So my dear neighbors to the North, I hope this is helpful for the next time the Canucks lose the Cup or Rocket Richard gets suspended again.  Which ever comes first.